


Wasted

by fueled_galaxies



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, Drama, Fanfiction, M/M, One Shot, Poetry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-11
Updated: 2018-10-11
Packaged: 2019-07-29 11:49:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,588
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16263605
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fueled_galaxies/pseuds/fueled_galaxies
Summary: "You said you loved meYou said you wouldn't let goEven if everyone in the world left me,You said you'd stay by my side.But now, what do I become?What becomes of my heart that believed all those things?-Wasted, Younha





	Wasted

 

 

 

 

 

A blink of light in a contained dark room

A crisp smell of brewed coffee

A drink that would forever hold a thousand memories.

 

Admiring the people outside the window

Allured by the idea of having the strength to go on

Anticipating the day he could do the same,

Awaiting the day he could finally say he’s made it.

 

Before 8:30, Sehun already got a cup of hot chocolate.

Beginning his day with a thought of a new tomorrow

Betraying the actual condition of his heart.

 

Blaming the days he thought he was strong.

Blurred memories of sun lights and perfect blue skies,

Born with the thought of an assured future

Brought by promises he thought meant something.

Building up the thoughts, but never the actions.

By this time, hasn’t he thought it was time to let go?

 

Calmly taking in the atmosphere he was in,

Cars passing by outside

Casual groups of people flood inside the coffee shop

Certainty always being inevitable moments.

 

Chances of the same feelings so close to zero,

Coping up with the idea that it would never be the same again,

Curtain call for his beaten up feelings never came.

 

Damaged with images of that one faithful night

Damp memories of shot glasses and alcohol

Deceived by the picture of a boy brought down by the world. He

Depended on the thought that he was not alone. The

Dimmed lights, the alluring feeling of what ifs.

Discontinue the old life he thought would be forever.

 

Early signs were never really evident.

Easy attempts of strengthening a grip he wasn’t ready to let go of

Eerie moments of memories lingering rather than fading

Endings that roll out like credits to a movie he’d never watch again.

 

Escaping the past wasn’t the most difficult thing to do, but

Eventually learning to accept the reality missing half of yourself was

Every other fear he had all rolled into one.

 

Facing the awkward nostalgia hitting him like a bullet, He tries to relieve the

Feelings he had for one last time,

For a last goodbye.

For it was a memory he could never really let go of,

For Sehun never really treated it as a memory after all.

 

Gambling the feelings he still had,

Genuine ones were the only things that’s left

Gestures that he could always long for, but never actually feel again.

“Given the amount of love I poured out to him, should I just

Go and treat it as if it’s a distant memory of the past?

Go and treat it as if nothing ever mattered to you anyways.”

Growing degrees of separation made him more empty than he already is.

 

“Had it never really showed any signs?

Had you not expect something like this to happen?” Sehun was tired.

Haven’t they thought about what he might feel?

He is so over these things.

Hearing those words over and over again as if he doesn’t feel anything anymore.

 

Here lies the feelings he still carries every single day,

Here lies the guilt he feels when he sees what he has become

Here lies the lies he ever said when people ask how he really is,

Here lies the muted breaking of his heart every time he hears his name pop out,

Here lies the possibility that he could never right all the wrongs he did, and

Here lies the remnants of the string of red fate that was once tied together, now broken and losing its end.

 

His audible singing and random snoring at night,

His bare, cold hands that Sehun needs to warm up every winter morning,

His gentle smile that makes him feel all warm up inside,

His melodic voice Sehun would do anything to hear again

His whispers of I love yous and Sehun wishing all were for him again,

His yearning for the one that just got away.

 

Hoping for things to turn around completely was always his daily prayer,

Hours, days, minutes, there wasn’t a time he stopped thinking about him.

How could he let all of these things happen?

How something perfect as them led to be something unrecognizable and separable?

How wounds from hurtful words are the only traces left of a once lived out love.

 

“I kinda think it was for the best.” Jongin told him once.

“I know how much you love him, but wasn’t that the problem in the first place?

I lie and say that you two are perfect, but I can see those cracks and bumps you were trying to hide Sehun.

I notice the way one loves the other too much, and I’m sorry to say but you’re that one.

I practice everyday to assure you that no, he won’t leave you, and yes, he loves you that much. But

I pretend every single day to smile at you and act as if I don’t see anything.

I recall those days he was unresponsive and just never really cared.

I see how he brushes you off and chooses to ignore things rather than fix it.

I try to look at the bright side and see that he is the source of your happiness.

I try to view things differently Sehun, I really did. But I can’t say that

I watch you with full admiration every time you love him with all you have, when he can’t give an ounce of his.

I yearn to see you happy, and this happening is a step to reaching a happiness that you deserve.”

 

“Just because I love him too much, doesn’t mean he never loved me.” Sehun have had it.

“Just look at how he made he happy, that’s enough proof of how much he did care.”

 

Keeping friends in a situation like this was something crucial,

Knowing that others were happy that it happened, and

Knowing that some really did wish for them to part ways.

 

“Luhan is a person I can describe in a thousand words, but is meant of a million. He is

My all.

My bright light that lets me find an undiscovered path.

My comfort from all the things in the world that dares to harm me.

My drug that I could never get enough off.

My everything and anything.

My fulfilled dreams.

My God-given grace

My home.

My i-know-you-deserve-the-best love story

My just-love-him-forever

My kiss-me-even-if-everyone-is-looking

My love

My mixture of comfort and satisfaction

My new and old, and everything I want to be

My obsession

My prayer’s answer

My quilt in the winter

My  resolution every new year

My summer in the dead cold place I once knew

My true meaning of what life should really be

My under-the-stars-dreaming-about-everything partner

My very soul

My wish every falling star

My x’s and y’s in every equation

My you-are-everything-i-need

My zero seconds of regret.”

 

Newfound beginnings was what he always hated,

Never leaving the feeling that maybe just maybe, he’s

Not the only one hoping for another chance.

Notice how Sehun starts to fall apart bit by bit,

Notice the way he is consumed by the idea that Luhan might still feel the same.

Now everything is filled hope and uncertainty that could not be contained.

Now just a distant future that Sehun holds onto every single day.

 

One hour everyday, Sehun would think if he would just give this up.

Only focusing on a future without the other one that has been long overdue.

Owning the future alone, ready to battle everything he has set aside,

Over the idea of hoping that Luhan would ever come back.

 

Pacing back and forth, this was the day he was waiting for.

Painfully recalling that day one last time before he closes the chapter finally.

Partially ready for the wave of emotions he has forever buried.

People have told him to get over it,

Perhaps today’s the day he finally can.

 

“Please don’t make this harder than it already is.” Sehun rereads the letter for the last time.

“Preparing for something nerve wracking as this was never easy Sehun, please know that.

Probably, this was the end of the forever you and I were talking about before.

Promises were always meant to be broken, and I’m sorry I have to be the one to break it.

Pushing you aside was never my intention, but perhaps it happened naturally.

Putting all the love I have for you, I was not surprised to see it was nothing compared to what you had for me. I’m

Puzzled at how things became this way. Believe me when I say that I did love you Sehun. I tried to

Question everything I had in my mind, did I still love you, or was I just trying to return the favor?

Raced thoughts and panicked motions got the best of me when I decided to write this letter.

Raising the probability that perhaps this was the end to the love I had for you that I thought was endless.

Realize that none of these were my intention, you were the center of my world.

 

Really, please trust me when I say that I loved you Sehun. I loved you too much, every single day.

Reasons, Sehun, I lacked the very reason to stay with you.

Reasons that I love you were never enough anymore. I was running out of reasons to believe.

Right now, I might say that I may regret this after I put down the pen,

Right now, I might trust my instincts as I grab my bags and go someplace faraway.

Right or wrong, I won’t ask you to understand what I have to do. I’m trying to

Run from you because I don’t deserve the love you have for me. I’m trying to

Run from you because I don’t love you the way you love me. It’s not right. I’m still

 

Searching for the right reasons to stay, but right now, I don’t have any.

Sehun, I love you in ways I can’t explain, and in pictures I could never paint.

Sehun, please don’t try to look for me. I’ll be too busy trying to erase how you’re engraved inside of me.

Sehun, try to find someone who’ll love you the way you love me.

Sehun, would you stop thinking about me?

Sehun, you should. I think you really should.”

 

Sitting on the wooden chair, he lets his tears flow one last time.

Slowly to find it in himself the very reason to go on,

Somehow, he has it in him, but he’s too afraid to absorb it just yet.

Spoken words would’ve been better, rather than words on ink all faded from the tears.

Stupidity got the best of him when he thought that he could get through this just fine.

Suffering far more than he actually taught was something not surprising anymore.

Taking a sip of his hot chocolate, he knows what he has to do, he has to forget everything.

 

The all-i-can-ever-love-is-you

The burning up urge to still find Luhan

The cold, sleepless nights he spent crying 

The depressed state that his friends saw of him

The excruciating pain he had to go through when he went home to an empty apartment

The falling apart of the life he tried so hard to build

The gestures he thought would last forever

The hugs

The I love you’s he speaks in the dead silence, waiting for the reply he still wants to hear

The just-woke-up face he looks forward to every single morning

The kept remnants of the love story he built

The love he has for Luhan

The memories he has of every moment they have spent together

The nothingness he has becomes

The obsolete idea that he can fix this

The probability Luhan can still love him

The questions he knows Luhan holds the answers to

The reasons why he can never let go

The satisfying feeling he feels when he’s with him

The tiny shivers when they kiss

The undying hope he still has lit on

The very reason of why he stays in love with Luhan

The wish he holds that this may all be a bad dream

The x’ and y’s that would always be Luhan in every equation

The yearning to hold him one last time

The zero minutes he has ever regretted loving Luhan.

 

Under the smell of crisp coffee and soft murmurs of customers,

Up in the back booth, Sehun catches a familiar face. He uses

Very little time to react that those eyes are the exact same ones that made him fall in love. He starts to write on the back of the letter.

 

“We are never the same anymore.

We believe that being apart is the right decision, but that only comes from you.

We continue to deceive ourselves of the feelings we still have buried in our being.

We decide that it works for us, but really, did you ever really thought of what might I feel?

We even decided to live together, I remember how happy you were.

We fell into a kind of love that I thought people would write about.

We gently let each other be the center of our everything, I did it, but did you?

We held on to the idea that hey, maybe this could work out after all.

We joked about going at it till we’re 80, I’m not even 30 yet Luhan.

We kept the promise to love each other, but I think I’m the only one keeping it.

We let go of the ones we think deserved to be let go of, maybe

 

You are the only one who thought I needed to be let go of.

You basically tossed me aside Luhan, did you not think of what I would feel?

You can easily say that you’ve run out of reasons, so having me wasn’t an enough of a reason for you to stay?

You deceived me, telling me that everything was going to be alright.

You easily tossed aside the idea that I may not be okay with the decision you just made.

You felt as if I loved you too much, but I was just loving you the way you deserved to be loved, Luhan.

You gave up, when I wasn’t even done fighting.

You hoped that I was going to be okay, it’s been a year Luhan, do you think I’m okay?

You just wanted to get away, and it breaks me to see that you wanted to get away that fast.

You kept me hoping that maybe we could go on for a long time

You learned how to make me believe that I was enough to keep you here with me.

You made me realize that I was giving you too much than what you deserved

You never wanted to stay didn’t you?

You opened my eyes into seeing something you really are.

You really loved me, maybe a part of that was true, but how long did you really loved me?

You sometimes think I was giving you too much, that’s because I don’t you want you to feel that I never loved you at all.

You try to make me find someone else to love, but you’ve wrecked me in ways I never imagined you can do.

You understand the pain of being left behind, but you chose to do the same to me.”

 

Zero minutes was what Sehun wasted before he got up and dropped the letter on Luhan’s table.

Zero seconds is the time he’ll regret doing what he did.

 

 

 

 

 

END.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


End file.
